Lighthouse

Rob and I took a trip to Boston back in October to get away for a little bit and we took Livie with us.

I was stopped at security when my carry on bag had a suspicious box in it. I felt the heat rise into my face as the TSA agent pulled me aside and started emptying the contents of my bag. I was fighting back the tears as I was trying to explain to her the box contained my daughter's ashes. A very sweet older TSA agent had been watching and stepped in and stopped the process. She apologized and told me I could repack my bag and gave me her condolences.

I sat at the gate trying to hide my tears from fellow travelers while explaining to Rob this was not how Olivia's first flight was supposed to happen. I sat through the flights and walked through the airports with a death grip on my bag, constantly checking to make sure the box was okay.

The next day we drove to the ocean in Scituate, MA. There is a lighthouse on the coast surrounded by a beautiful rock wall that extends into the ocean. I changed out of my boots and into my tennis shoes and Rob and I started the long walk to the end of the rock wall.

We found a large rock on the edge of the wall to sit down on and took out Olivia's ashes. I had written a letter to her before I left Memphis that I had intended to read to her but when Rob asked me if there was anything I wanted to say all I could say between sobs was "I love you, Olivia".

Rob untied the bag and we watched the waves carry away the ashes of our world.

"Hi, my name is Olivia and I will be your server today."

We had driven to a harbor to eat lunch and we were seated by a window overlooking the lighthouse. I swallowed a rising lump in my throat as I looked at our waitress with disbelief. As we left lunch, Olivia gave Mommy and Daddy a final sign that she was okay. The most beautiful double rainbow I have ever seen appeared stretching from one side of the ocean to another.

I sit around and wonder if Olivia is okay and that day she solidified she was. As much as I needed her to know I loved her, she needed me to know that she knew.

"A lighthouse is a welcoming structure, a reassuring sign of steady ground ahead, and an optimistic symbol of hope for all looking to move forward safely. It is am emblem of strength located at the edge of unpredictable tides as it provides navigational guidance and bright light in a storm. Resilient and immovable, the shining beacon encourages perseverance even in the darkest times."