2015

I have never been a fan of surprises. I am a know it all by nature and it makes me feel crazy not to get all the details on any given situation. I will never understand how men can have an entire conversation about engagements, births, vacations and various life events and come away with zero details. I will forever envy persons who can accept the unknown.

I find myself  struggling even more this week as we received the final test results on Olivia.

Unable to determine a diagnosis.

I have started coping with her passing with the hopes of having a concrete diagnosis I could wrap my head around. I was certain they would come back with the exact mutated gene and we could begin a plan on how to prevent it in further pregnancies. Instead, I am left with so many lingering questions and a mystery death.

How can an innocent and seemingly perfect baby pass away without an explanation? Of all the things that are unfair this seems the most trying. I feel the disappointment pound in my chest each time I tell someone she has passed but I am unable to tell them why. I feel compelled to tell them the entire story so I don't appear to be an unfit mother who just casually claims I don't know.

I had begun trying to heal myself from Olivia's passing but feel I have taken the inevitable two steps back with the unfortunate non diagnosis. It seems to cruel to leave me wondering when I had planned on an explanation.

Rob and I now face tough decisions we never imagined we would have to. However, we refuse to give up on our babies, both past and present, our marriage, our friends and families and our life. We will continue to face each hurdle as the come and conquer them hand in hand. I ask that you please don't give up on us though, or anyone else struggling for that matter. Time doesn't stop for the broken-hearted and neither should we.

2014 was the most joyous  and most devastating year of my life and as quickly as it came it has passed. I pray with all of my being that if 2015 decides to throw me some surprises they can be more positive than negative. I plan to make this year and each year I am granted worth living. My new life motto is Live Life for Livie and I invite you all to join me.

2015 - The year of Hope and Health.