Disapppointment

I've learned so many valuable lessons throughout my grief journey so far and frankly I am sick of it.

I had to learn the hard way that nothing in life is guaranteed. Pregnancy does not guarantee a baby, people you thought were great friends will let you down and tragic events happen to good people.

I lost two people after Olivia passed away who had previously played a large part in my life. I confided in them, I laughed and cried with them, and I loved them. Thats what you do with friends. I never imagined they wouldn't been there when I needed a support system the most. I am struggling to let them go and focus on the people who have been there for me but loss is tricky. It consumes your thoughts and feeling making it difficult to focus on the positives; and I have so many positives.

I have friends who halted their lives to be with me during the worst week of my life. They were the first people I saw when I got to LeBonheur and they were the last people I saw when I would leave. They slept on the couch and floor in the same room as Rob and I for a week when we couldn't stand to be alone. Those friends and family are the reason Rob and I have survived each day. They show up and they stick around. They call, text, show up, and repeatedly let us know we are not in this alone. I am eternally grateful for each and everyone of them. They are the bright stars on my dark night.

So, why can't I let the disappointing people go? I do not understand how you abandon people in their darkest hour. How do you decide that a person in need is not worth your time?

I had to reach out to both of these people just to be let down again. One never responded and the other asked for forgiveness just to let me down again.

Life is disappointing and just when you think it can't get any worse you're let down again.

I have asked myself and others many times what I could have done that was so bad to be punished in such a harsh way. I have tried to be a good friend, a loving daughter and a supportive sister. All I have ever wanted in life was to add amazing mother to that list. Instead life teased me. I had everything I wanted for a split second until it was viciously ripped away from me. It left me heartbroken and lonely.

Today is the last time I will allow someone to repeatedly let me down. I will move forward and focus on the friends and family who were there for me and I will not look back. I will forgive them but I will never forget.

Goodbye.