Holding On To You

Music has a beautiful way of expressing the things we feel and do not know how to put into words.


I started watching Grey's Anatomy from season one when Olivia passed away. I took comfort in watching the families grieve when they lost a loved one. I no longer felt so alone. I listened to mothers scream when they heard the devastating news and it drowned out the screaming I heard in my head.


The moment Olivia was taken from me I heard a terrible scream. I was so angry at the person screaming; how rude to be causing such a scene when my whole life was crumbling around me. Then I realized it was me.  It is one of my most painful memories and one that haunts me the most. I hear myself screaming in my dreams and I wake up in a cold sweat. Its loud, its painful and it is intense. It reminds me of the pain I felt watching the nurse leave the room. A walk that was so simple and unfortunately routine for her wrecked my entire world. She took my future, my hopes and dreams, my baby and walked down the hall, never to be seen again. I was left with nothing but my resounding screams.


Grey's Anatomy helped to block out the screams and focus on the screams of other parents. The pitch, tone and length of the screams all varied but the pain was the same. During one particular scene, a song played in the background and it touched me to my core. The lyrics felt like they were written by my own heart.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I find myself listening to this song when I feel overwhelmed. It puts my feelings into beautiful words and provides me with 4 minutes and 24 seconds of comfort. It helps release the anger and tears that sometimes get trapped behind my facade of being okay. 

Today I ask all of you to listen to this song and think of my Olivia. I try to find meaning in life through her each day. Sometimes I think I am able to see the bigger picture and sometimes I can't see anything but tears. All I can do is hold on to her memory for dear life and pray to God that she is safe, happy and feels loved. 

Lifehouse - Broken