In my quest to Live Life for Livie I decided to start taking care of myself physically and began working out. Yesterday, as I was finishing with my workout, my trainer told me something that really resonated with me.
"It's all about tiny steps but before you know it you have climbed a mountain without even realizing it."
The more I thought about it the more I realized how true it is.
I still think about Olivia all day, everyday, but I don't cry as often. I have started leaving my house on a more frequent basis and have even done my hair and put on make up a few times. Rob and I have made new friendships. We actively persue ideas we always talked about but never put them into action. Most importantly, I have started to have hope again.
Three and a half months ago I thought all of these things were lost. I was just trying to survive each day and hope the next day wouldn't be as painful. Each day since Olivia passed has been a baby step and today I realized I have climbed a mountain.
I know I still have many mountains to climb but I can't be worried about the future anymore. I need to focus on the present and make today count. I am thankful for each day and each tiny step. I am thankful that I was given a beautiful angel to change my life. She taught me to be appreciative of the baby steps and the small things. I forgive more quickly, look more positively at negative situations, seek to actively participate in life rather than being a bystander, and to love the people who have held my hand during my baby steps more deeply.
I am a better person than I was on October 3rd and I owe it all to my greatest accomplishment, Olivia Buchanan Huber. I am excited to look back in another 3 months and see what other mountains I have climbed. There is nothing I cannot accomplish if I am doing it for her.
#livelifeforlivie
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
2015
I have never been a fan of surprises. I am a know it all by nature and it makes me feel crazy not to get all the details on any given situation. I will never understand how men can have an entire conversation about engagements, births, vacations and various life events and come away with zero details. I will forever envy persons who can accept the unknown.
I find myself struggling even more this week as we received the final test results on Olivia.
Unable to determine a diagnosis.
I have started coping with her passing with the hopes of having a concrete diagnosis I could wrap my head around. I was certain they would come back with the exact mutated gene and we could begin a plan on how to prevent it in further pregnancies. Instead, I am left with so many lingering questions and a mystery death.
How can an innocent and seemingly perfect baby pass away without an explanation? Of all the things that are unfair this seems the most trying. I feel the disappointment pound in my chest each time I tell someone she has passed but I am unable to tell them why. I feel compelled to tell them the entire story so I don't appear to be an unfit mother who just casually claims I don't know.
I had begun trying to heal myself from Olivia's passing but feel I have taken the inevitable two steps back with the unfortunate non diagnosis. It seems to cruel to leave me wondering when I had planned on an explanation.
Rob and I now face tough decisions we never imagined we would have to. However, we refuse to give up on our babies, both past and present, our marriage, our friends and families and our life. We will continue to face each hurdle as the come and conquer them hand in hand. I ask that you please don't give up on us though, or anyone else struggling for that matter. Time doesn't stop for the broken-hearted and neither should we.
2014 was the most joyous and most devastating year of my life and as quickly as it came it has passed. I pray with all of my being that if 2015 decides to throw me some surprises they can be more positive than negative. I plan to make this year and each year I am granted worth living. My new life motto is Live Life for Livie and I invite you all to join me.
2015 - The year of Hope and Health.
I find myself struggling even more this week as we received the final test results on Olivia.
Unable to determine a diagnosis.
I have started coping with her passing with the hopes of having a concrete diagnosis I could wrap my head around. I was certain they would come back with the exact mutated gene and we could begin a plan on how to prevent it in further pregnancies. Instead, I am left with so many lingering questions and a mystery death.
How can an innocent and seemingly perfect baby pass away without an explanation? Of all the things that are unfair this seems the most trying. I feel the disappointment pound in my chest each time I tell someone she has passed but I am unable to tell them why. I feel compelled to tell them the entire story so I don't appear to be an unfit mother who just casually claims I don't know.
I had begun trying to heal myself from Olivia's passing but feel I have taken the inevitable two steps back with the unfortunate non diagnosis. It seems to cruel to leave me wondering when I had planned on an explanation.
Rob and I now face tough decisions we never imagined we would have to. However, we refuse to give up on our babies, both past and present, our marriage, our friends and families and our life. We will continue to face each hurdle as the come and conquer them hand in hand. I ask that you please don't give up on us though, or anyone else struggling for that matter. Time doesn't stop for the broken-hearted and neither should we.
2014 was the most joyous and most devastating year of my life and as quickly as it came it has passed. I pray with all of my being that if 2015 decides to throw me some surprises they can be more positive than negative. I plan to make this year and each year I am granted worth living. My new life motto is Live Life for Livie and I invite you all to join me.
2015 - The year of Hope and Health.
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