Changing of the seasons.

I survived. One fall, one winter, one spring and one summer. Four seasons that were nothing how I had envisioned and prepared for but none the less they came and went and I am still here. 

Last fall my world crumbled around me and I had no idea how I was going to survive, nor was I certain I wanted to. I wanted October 3rd back when everything was perfect bliss. I longed for a redo, to turn back time, to wake up from my nightmare, anything but the hand I was dealt. I spent days crying out for a daughter taken too soon. The pain was so intense at times I felt like I would implode and would find myself screaming between sobs. I was angry, bitter, heartbroken, jealous, defeated and anxiety ridden. I lashed out at people who never deserved my sharp tongue. I pushed away people who felt as helpless for me as I did for myself. I fell into a dark hole and became a shell of the person I once was. I spent many hours torturing myself. I played back the three days I had with Livie over and over again. I made myself feel the pain and sadness repeatedly, thinking I would somehow forget if I didn't keep her at the front of my mind. There were times when I wondered if I would ever find happiness in life again. 

The loss of a child is not something I would wish on even the worst of beings. I never knew the human body was able to process and cope with such painful sadness. Yet, against all of my own odds, I am still standing. Day by day I became stronger. I made a promise to myself that it was selfish not to live my life when Olivia would never be able to live hers. I got my first tattoo in honor of my first baby girl. I traveled. I fell in love with my husband on a completely new level. I found hobbies. I embraced a new version of myself. I dug deep and I kept going. 

I wish I could go back in time now only to tell myself that it was going to be okay. My life wasn't over, in fact, it was just starting. There is not a day that passes that I don't miss my baby but I am in a better place now than I have ever been. I have survived the worst and come out on top. I am strong, confident, happy, loved and excited about the future. I wake up grateful for each day and try to make the most of it. 

All of this being said I need to praise the people who helped me through. I am so thankful for my friends and family that never gave up on me. I know it was trying to be around me. I will never forget the iced coffees, drives, all day netflix binges, shopping trips, cards, texts and surprise visits. I love you all more than you know. I would not be where I am today without the love and support you provided then and continue to provide now. I will spend the rest of my life loving you all as you have loved me.