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You think that true love is the only thing that crush your heart. The thing that will take your life and light it up or destroy it. Then, you become a mother - Meredith Grey

Since Olivia passed away I have been struggling with the fact that I am no longer a mom. I understand I will always be her mother but I am not, nor was I ever a mom. I never changed her diaper, gave her a bath, put clothes on her, calmed her down when she cried or fed her. I couldn't tell you what her tiny butt looked like and I don't remember how she smelled. 

I am the worst kind of mother, I am a mother without her child. I am left to continue to play the what if game like I did during my pregnancy. I feel like I am still waiting her arrival. My brain can't process that she was here and already gone. I catch myself thinking about holidays and how fun they would be with her and have to remind myself those things will never happen. I am forced to relive her death each day and the pain is unbearable. 

I also feel guilty each day. I feel like I failed her as a mother. My only job was to protect her and I couldn't. I couldn't take away her pain and I couldn't stop her from dying. I am a complete failure at the one that I always assumed I would excel at.  I will never be able to apologize to her or make it right. 

I continue to replay my pregnancy, wondering if there was anything I could have done differently. I want so badly to be able to go back and have a redo. I want to go back and unwrap her from her swaddle. I want to examine her tiny toes and fingers. I want to remove her diaper and study her butt. I want to give her a bottle and watch her mouth suck. I desperately need to hear her cry. I want to do anything that makes me be able to say I was her mom. 

I hope that wherever Olivia is she has someone there who is being a mother to her, better than I ever could. I need to think she is being cared for and loved. I hope someone is protecting her for me and that she knows how desperately I wanted to be able to be that person for her. 

As far as me, I hope one day I can pick up the pieces and forgive myself.